Oct 7th Backpage

Ice Age in Review
• 32% increase in attendance from Prohibition (not at all related to the increased student body)
• 65% increase in hook-ups
• 27± 2 purity points lost by freshmen
• 3 sexy, sexy cavemen
• 1 awkward, slow-moving glacier
• Conclusion: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Fall Break Do’s and Don’ts
Do
• Kick that booty into shape! NOD is coming faster than you’d expect (pun intended). So you drink that Muscle Milk Shawn Gurwara.
• Brush up on your Tabasco-drinking skills….Round 3 anyone?
• Hide, from your family, the fact that you are no longer pre-med and now a Slacadem
• Embark on a sensual journey to Zone D’ Erotica
Don’t
• Do anything you wouldn’t do if your roommate were here… if you do never let them know about it.
• Hook up with your high school sweetheart!
• Let your parents know that you’ve turned into a drunkard/ have hooked up with 6 girls/boys/ Zach Panos
• Let your high school friends know that you study 5 hours a day. Just tell them how hot Erol is or something.


Chethan – “Felix has been giving me advice about women.”
Henny- “Felix has been giving advice about women?! Hahahahhahahahahaha”

(Henny’s Ice Cream, Monday Night Oct 5th 9:34PM)




-Chethlyn
(Rob and Anne thanks for the π!)

September 23rd Backpage

“Listen..I’m gonna let y’all read the Backpage but Beyonce had one of the best Backpages of all time….”- Kanye West

Hanszen’s ‘Brand Spankin’ New’ Freshmen Reps

Jarvis Knowles
*was one of Beyonce’s back up dancers in Single Ladies
* The “Facebook Ho” of Rice ‘13

Stephanie Huang
*Went to the same high school as Mike Z. Devastated when she found out she’d be in the same residential college as the “Woohoo!” guy

Jenna Haber
*“Ramya Ramanthan, wanna make out?”

*(see below)

Sid 80’s Party Recap
Jenna Haber will do anything to get on the Backpage (see above)
Will Rice sophomore refers to Mike Z and Natalia as Latino Barbie and Ken
Zach Panos, irate about frequent appearances in the Backpage, proceeds to plan “Barbie and Ken’s” wedding and ultimately designates Jenna Haber as the flower girl.


“This summer, I was researching my main project on water-softening and on the side I worked on a small project on nanoparticles. They have a 75% chance of curing cancer.” - Apoorv



-Chethlyn
(So excited for HMRC Fine Meats Friday Oct 2nd)

Sep 16th Backpage

You Don’t Have a Screw Yer Roommate Costume yet!?
You could dress up as….


Leebron and Ping
Nieters and an Asian girl (mainland China?)
Gold and a Girl with a Shovel
Sean Sessel and the Bushwomen of South Africa
Where’s Waldo and Carmen San Diego
A Pirate looking for Booty and J-Lo
Daniel Zales and Lovett Freshman, Lovett Freshman
Cougar (Senior Girl) and Victim of an Attack (Freshmen Guy)
Kanye West and Taylor Swift
Zach Panos and Roxana
Will Randall and Swine Flu

Note*** Little girl and pedophile was never mentioned in this list. That’s sick and twisted Elizabeth Chen



“Karen Gerken….You’re like Hitler’s wet dream”
- Anonymous (9:36PM September 7th, 2009 Monday Night Ice Cream at Henny’s)




-Chethlyn
(Happy Screwing!)

The OMGILTA Backpage

The “OMGILTA” Backpage
Oh my God, I love these acronyms!

Hanszenite(s) of the Week:
Dirrrty Little Secrets Edition

Megan Johnson- fined Hanszen on beer bike
Karen Gerken-bought Hannah Montana episodes on iTunes
Erik Peterson- wishes he was as big as Matt Jones
Valerie Peicher- has a new-person fetish
Mukund Premkumar- Kal Penn thought he was gay



Irene’s Quote of the Week
“Sometimes I feel like my brain has a mind of its own”

The Backpage looks back at the semester by the numbers

Transfer students claiming to know Kal Penn- 1
Indian girls in Chris Fan’s harem- 6
Hat tricks Felix has perfected- 2
Hat tricks that Felix has entertained us with- 0
Seniors joining the Marines next year- 1
Snuggies owned by Karen Gerken- 1
VP’s we’re glad we elected- 1
Fun people living in 80’s next year- 2?
Times Harrison has hugged/ inappropriately touched people- 2,532
Illegal parties thrown in the Weenie Loft- 2 ½
Ex-Hanszenites that still use our laundry room-1
Statuses that Aditya Kaddu has commented on/ posted - 1,537





-Sincerely,
Chethlyn
(Have an ungodly summer and good luck with finals!)

March 25 Backpage

The Backpage

So maybe we didn’t win Beer Bike but who cares?

Reasons Why Hanszen Rocks My Face Off

• We have Ramma-jamma out the wazoo
• We can sit in another college’s Beer Bike section and convince them that it’s ours. Jones? Fuck Jones!
• We bleed blue and yellow
• Free printing! (we still have free printing right?)
• “I’m in a moat!”
• Norman Pai
• We have the best Secs on campus!

Reasons Why The Other Colleges Suck

• Wiess- they’re not even cool enough to have O-Week themes

• Will Rice- Beer Bike is the only thing they have going for them, otherwise they’d be worse off than Wiess

• Sid Rich- have you ever met anybody from Sid? I mean seriously

• Lovett- I legitimately feel sorry for Lovett sometimes. In all honesty, what do they have to be proud of?

• Baker- Baker women look like men

• Jones- that whole goat fetish thing just grosses me out

• Brown- Lars Charnsangavej be the only worthwhile thing that has come out of Brown

• Martel- you have to be an actual college to be the best

Sincerely,

Chethlyn

(haha people actually call us this now)